I ran cross country my freshman year of high school. I only did it as a kind of forced conditioning so I’d be ready to try out for basketball in the winter (I didn’t make the team). I wasn’t very fast, and I never earned a medal. But I did gain two valuable things from my short-lived cross country career.
- A life-long distaste for running
- An appreciation for the valley of despair
The valley of despair is a term for the midpoint of any difficult undertaking. It’s that moment of decision: Will I quit or will I push through the pain? For me, there came a point in every race where I would question if I should throw in the towel or not. And it turns out this challenge is just part of life.
Every attempt to reach a goal, build a new habit, or change in some way has us passing through the valley of despair. Whether it’s a diet, building a business, reading the Bible in a year, or decluttering your closet, in every large project there is a point at which we experience an almost overwhelming desire to quit. That is the valley of despair.
I first came across this graphic of “The Emotional Cycle of Change” in the book The 12-Week Year. It illustrates the internal battle we face when trying to change.
Here’s my version of it, which I explain in the goal-setting module of our Waypoints to Well Done course.
Stage 1: Uninformed Optimism
When you begin a new endeavor, you start with a natural excitement born of potential. You are standing at the starting line, looking forward to the change. This is when motivation is at its highest. Sure, you know it won’t be easy, but you don’t realize just how hard it is going to be.
Stage 2: Informed Pessimism
Next, optimism gives way to pessimism. You are at the “this isn’t what I signed up for” phase. But that inertia of motivation that got you started is still there. The wind may have died down a little, but it’s still at your back. So you press on. You figure, “How much harder could it get?”
Stage 3: The Valley of Despair
Now you’ve entered the dreaded valley of despair. Your sails have drooped and you are still not in sight of land.
The valley of despair is the decision point—will you go forward or will you go back? It’s also when the temptation to give up masks itself in new opportunities.
- “Maybe I just chose the wrong diet”
- “I should write a different book, this one isn’t working”
- “I should switch to that business strategy I just read about, that seems easier”
The allure of shiny new objects sing their siren song. You are drawn away to something else that you think will be easier. But you have to resist that call. Because it will only take you back to beaches of stage 1, uninformed optimism. Sure, the start of that new undertaking it will be easier than this one, until it isn’t. The cycle will just repeat.
Those who constantly quit when the going gets tough train themselves to think change isn’t possible. They are the ones who believe every silver bullet sales pitch, and every fad promising quick and painless results. But change doesn’t work that way. Change isn’t quick and easy, it’s slow and difficult. The only way around is through.
Stage 4: Informed Optimism
If you do force yourself to push through the valley of despair, you will discover that the pain of change has a floor. It starts to get easier. You begin to learn the ropes of that new skill, the habit starts to stick, you need less willpower than you did at the start, you witness those first signs of visible results, and you begin to realize, “Maybe I can do this after all.”
The clouds begin to clear. Despair gives way to hope.
Stage 5: Success
If you keep going, eventually you do reach the outcome you were after. And you’ve also acquired new habits, new skills, and new realizations along the way. You’ve changed.
It’s a truly wonderful feeling to accomplish a big goal. And the amazing thing is when you do it once, it’s easier to do it again. Because you’ve learned the stages of the course, you know what to expect.
How to Keep Going
I hope you can see why I find this illustration so helpful. Being able to identify where I’m at in the emotional cycle of change helps me to look at my current feelings with some detachment. I can say to myself, “Oh, you’re just in the valley of despair. Keep going.”
The fight for change is a battle of conviction. Is the outcome I’m after worth the pain? One very practical way I’ve learned to keep that conviction alive is to record a video of myself at the start of any new goal. I just briefly explain why this goal matters, how it honors God, and why it’s going to be worth it. I’m addressing future me. And when I inevitably find myself in the valley, I rewatch the video and it refreshes my conviction.
But the biggest thing that helps me is remembering that I serve a faithful God. And if my goals are being pursued with the ultimate purpose of glorifying Him, I can trust He will help me through the valley. God wants us to grow. And pursuing greater faithfulness in any domain of stewardship, be it our walk with the Lord, health, relationships, or vocation, is something God wants to help us to do. What’s more, when we pursue change faithfully, we are being accurate image bearers of our faithful God. And that alone is worth the fight.
