The People Pleaser’s Guide to Graciously Saying No
It’s so easy to say yes when someone is standing in front of you.
If you’ve ever been asked to do something and inwardly you were thinking, “I really don’t have time for this,” “I should say no,” or “this isn’t a priority,” but outwardly you heard yourself responding “Yes, I’d love to help!” then this guide is for you.
There is a reason the Scriptures liken the fear of man to a snare (Proverbs 29:25). When you go along to get along rather than deciding according to priority, you eventually end up trapped in overcommitment, unable to focus on the responsibilities God has called you to.
How do we keep our desire for approval from causing us to make hasty vows, and do so in a way that is loving and unselfish? Let me offer three tips for how to graciously say no.
1. Be Kind Enough to Be Honest
When we say yes to things we know we shouldn’t, we often justify it by telling ourselves we are being kind, selfless even. But the people pleaser’s real motivations always come out in the end.
I hate to admit it, but sometimes I say yes to something then later resent the person who asked me. I blame them for not respecting my time or causing me to feel overwhelmed. But all they did was ask. I’m the one who said yes! I should have just been honest enough (and kind enough) at the start to say no.
If someone asks you to volunteer for something you don’t have time for or that simply isn’t a priority, you can graciously respond with something like this:
“Thank you for thinking of me. This sounds like a great opportunity, but I can’t give it the attention it deserves right now.”
Notice I didn’t say “I don’t have enough time.” Sometimes that’s the case, but sometimes the request is simply not aligned with your priorities. This response is honest because it covers both busyness and priority mismatch, without downplaying the importance of the request.
2. Don’t Say Maybe When You Mean No
Sometimes, to save face, people pleasers will say “maybe” to a request even when they know they intend to decline later. But we all know from experience that if someone says, “let me get back to you on that,” it’s probably a no. So skip the song and dance. If you know the answer is no, do your requester the kindness of giving a definite answer so they can move on and find someone else.
Giving a firm, yet kind, no is a matter of integrity. Let your yes be yes and your no be no (cf. Matthew 5:37; James 5:12).
But what if you really aren’t sure? Default to no. Instead of saying “maybe” or “yes” and later coming back with a no, try the “No, but…” Here’s a line I use often:
“I can’t commit to that right now. But I’ll let you know if anything changes.”
A “maybe” leaves the door open. A “no, but” shuts the door while reserving the right to reopen it later. It graciously allows the requester to close the loop and move on.
3. Get Clear on Your Priorities
I’ve found that the clearer I am about the responsibilities God has entrusted to me, the more confidently I can respond to opportunities with a definite “yes” or “no.”
You keep falling into the overcommitment snare not because you are bad at time management, but because you don’t know what you are managing your time for.
When I first started Redeeming Productivity Academy, I would jump right to talking about habits, goals, and to-do lists. But I soon learned that what a believer needs first is to be clear on his or her calling. If you don’t learn to articulate the specific responsibilities the Lord has entrusted you with, you’ll be tossed to and fro by every opportunity that comes along.
The only way to confidently and graciously say no is to already have a clear yes.
