“Are you mad at me?”
I still remember my heart sinking when I read that text. It was from a long-time friend whom I just hadn’t been keeping up with.
They perceived my lack of contact as a lack of love. Which it kind of was. It wasn’t that I was trying to neglect them, but I had.
And if I’m honest, I am a bad friend, a bad brother, a bad son, and a bad neighbor more often than I care to admit.
The relationships I say I value often take a backseat to the more pressing matters of life. I forget to respond to texts or call relatives on their birthdays, and I have friends I haven’t spoken to in years.
We Aren’t Trying to Be Bad Friends
It’s not like we deliberately set out to neglect our relationships.
Life gets busy. We have a lot on our minds. But that’s no excuse.
The relationships in our lives are a stewardship. They are part of our responsibility before God.
Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. – Romans 13:8
So we’ve got to do more than just wish we were better at it. We make time for the things we value. We create systems so that we don’t forget. And we can do that for our relationships as well.
Your “To-Love List”
I realized that if I wanted to be a better friend, I would need to make some changes. And it occurred to me that I have created systems to cover for my forgetfulness in other areas of life:
- A calendar so I don’t forget appointments
- A file system so I don’t lose important documents
- A to-do list so I don’t forget tasks
So why not do something similar with my important relationships, the most important stewardship I have?
Enter, the “to love list,” a simple tool to help you better steward your relationships.
Here’s how to create your own.
First, create a circle with the word “relationships” at the center.
Second, write names and groups around the outside of that circle. For example, you might have a spouse, kids, near friends, long-distance friends, parents, extended family, mentors, disciples, neighbors, church friends, etc.
Third, decide on a reasonable frequency of communication with each person or group, and write that next to each.
Here are some examples from my own to-love list.
- Spouse – monthly date
- Siblings – quarterly catch up call
- Near friends – weekly text
- Long-distance friends – annual call
- Mom – weekly call
- Ministry friends – quarterly text or email
Finally, put them on your calendar with a reminder. When the reminder comes due, set aside some time to send a few texts and make a couple of phone calls.
This isn’t the only thing you’ll do in these relationships. This list just serves as a backstop against you forgetting to reach out at all.
And bonus, you’ve also just created the beginnings of a prayer list! By the way, “I was praying for you today. How have you been?” makes for a great check-in text.
The Bottom Line
This is Christian productivity at its best, utilizing tools to help us fulfill our responsibilities in a way that glorifies God and loves our neighbor. If you want more help creating systems like these for every area of life, consider joining Redeeming Productivity Academy.